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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25857556">In Hindsight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrysehun/pseuds/starrysehun'>starrysehun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EXO (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Car Accident, M/M, Mentions of Abusive Relationship, Mentions of Violence, Non-Linear Narrative, junmyeon has an elder sister, slight!sekai that'll pass in a blink</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:46:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,593</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25857556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrysehun/pseuds/starrysehun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The clock strikes 09:21 and Junmyeon sees it all happen once again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Jongdae | Chen &amp; Kim Junmyeon | Suho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Starry Suho Fest (R1)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In Hindsight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PROMPT #S310</p><p>Firstly to my dear prompter, thank you for submitting this prompt. This prompt kept me up for the whole night so I ended up claiming this at a godly hour kjsksjk also I apologise in advance if you wanted this to be longer and darker or this is not what you wanted to read. </p><p>To the mods, thank you for making this fest happen and I am so happy I am a part of this!</p><p>To my litol M, as always who beta read this, and encouraged me, thank you for making me feel appreciated and for everything ;___;</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"><b>09:21</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a long dream that he wakes up from.</p><p> </p><p>He finds himself in an unfamiliar room. He doesn’t recognise his surroundings. Neither does he try to rack his mind for why.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't remember much of the dream. All he knows is it ended while he was smiling; with a deafening crash and a light that almost blinded him. </p><p> </p><p>He takes a look around the room only to realise it’s a hospital. And there are three more people other than him; one lying unconscious in the bed and the other one by his side, in his doctor attire, holding the former’s palm to his lips. His eyes never leave the other’s face, grief and love mixed with unshed tears. But he holds it in for some reason.</p><p> </p><p>The third one stands a little farther from them, facing the other side so one can only see his broad back heaving up and down. He looks like he’s on a call with someone. “Jongin-ah,” he calls and his muffled cries fill up the next few seconds.</p><p> </p><p>The one who is watching this scene unfold doesn’t understand it until he sees the life machine with few horizontal lines, indicating that there’s no sign of life in the man who looks like he is sleeping peacefully.</p><p> </p><p>"I am sorry," the doctor says his voice so quiet that it fades away as soon as it leaves his mouth. Then he presses a kiss to the other’s palm. </p><p> </p><p>He remembers his name being <em> Kim Junmyeon </em> and smiles sadly. The kiss would be the only thing that’s warm for the one who left.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:22</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s so warm.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He hears a voice, distant yet recognisable. </p><p> </p><p>The next second he isn’t in the hospital anymore but the place he remembers from his dream. It’s as if he’s dreaming again.</p><p> </p><p>He is holding a man so close to him, both of them smiling and letting the stars witness them being happy and in love. His hair is being combed by the man, <em> his lover </em>. He hums a song, the fingers carded in his hair lulling him.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s so warm here,” says the other.  </p><p> </p><p>It’s not only because he is pressed onto the back of his lover. But this is a different kind of warmth which is emanating from within him, from his heart. He must be so happy to be like this.</p><p> </p><p>A man to love, a song to hum and all the stars for himself; maybe that’s all that he needed to feel like the whole world belongs to him at that moment. That thought seems a little greedy, even for a dream. But he dusts that thought immediately.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, he points to the sky. “There are a lot of stars too, Jongdae.”</p><p> </p><p>At least they look happy. That’s all that matters.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:23</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Then it is a wedding.</p><p> </p><p>He is crying silently beside his sister who looks like an angel in a white wedding gown as the photographer shoots photos of them. That day has always seemed so far-coming but there he is standing, his hands intertwined with his sister’s and trying to smile so the picture would turn out perfect. </p><p> </p><p>Their mother is standing beside him, her eyes teary yet proud with a smile on her face. She had been the strongest one among the family after all; raising two children to what they are now, all on her own.</p><p> </p><p>He hugs his sister, sobbing a little more that leads her to say that she’s worried she’ll ruin her make-up at that rate, all while their mother pats them both on their back.</p><p> </p><p>He sees Sehun getting teary-eyed in the crowd, letting Jongin and Jongdae coo at him from either side. For a brief moment, Jongdae catches his eyes and mouths <em> what a crybaby. </em></p><p> </p><p>“Junmyeon-ah, stop crying. Junhee is about to cry too! Aigoo, why are my kids like this?” Their mother nags; the fondness in her voice filling up in his chest. He could never forget it.</p><p> </p><p>Even if it is a dream.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:24</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He watches the new waves trying to catch up with the older ones. He had always loved watching the ocean.</p><p> </p><p>By his side stands his husband, whose eyes never leave the ocean, holding a bouquet of pink roses and an equally endearing smile. They are wearing similar white tuxedos which he knows took a lot of time to choose because they never agree on the same things. Jongdae won in the end, letting Junmyeon suggest the location for the wedding.</p><p> </p><p>His husband turns towards him and with hesitant words, he asks, “Do you think we’ll do okay as husbands? What if we fuck this up?”</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon would have answered it in a beat if it isn’t for the uncertainty life holds. He wouldn’t have believed they would be getting married if someone had told him years ago. Junmyeon and Jongdae seemed an impossible match, even for them.</p><p> </p><p>But they made it. They are standing here as husbands. Even if it’s a wrong move, Junmyeon is ready to risk it all. The look in Jongdae’s eyes says he’ll try too.</p><p> </p><p>With a deep breath, he takes Jongdae’s hands into his and says, “Let’s give us a try as husbands. If this doesn’t work, we can always go back to being boyfriends. I don’t think it’ll make much difference. We’ll still be…us.”</p><p> </p><p>“It won’t go wrong?” Jongdae asks, raising his eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>“If something happens, we can laugh it over drinks and try to figure a way out.” He watches Jongdae’s eyes getting softer. </p><p> </p><p>“And what if it’s worse than we expect? What if we end up hurting each other?”</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon shrugs, at the same time tightening his grip on Jongdae’s hand. “Then we can throw one last punch at each other and then cry about it over drinks. We’ll find a way out of it. We can even make Sehun sponsor the booze.”</p><p> </p><p>Jongdae shakes his head as the hesitance leaves his eyes, a small hint of hope taking its place. “He’ll disown you if he hears that.” He returns his gaze to the ocean waves. He got the message Junmyeon’s words held.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No matter how bad it is, let’s return to each other and figure it out together. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They watch the sun setting, painting the sky in pretty lilac and stripes of soft orange. Junmyeon takes a look at Jongdae who is still smiling; the hues of orange on his skin make him look more angelic. There is a little scar on his right cheek that makes Junmyeon want to kiss until it vanishes. Jongdae catches him staring and his smile widens until it reaches his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” Jongdae says with the fondest look on his face. Even if it’s a dream, Junmyeon treasures those three words in the deepest part of his heart. He knows it’s more than what it means. It means Jongdae trusts him with working on <em>them, </em>on their wedding<em>.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Junmyeon doesn’t repeat it this time. He is sure he says that often. Instead, he pulls Jongdae for a kiss. He doesn’t need to say words for Jongdae to understand his love.   </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:25</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Then he finds himself in his bedroom. Their bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>It is him and his lover laying side by side, both on the verge of slipping into their dreamland until the latter shifts a little so that he is facing him. He pays him attention, only to be met with a sudden confession.</p><p> </p><p>“I want that too,” is what his lover tells him.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t need to think much to know what he is referring to. They have returned home after attending Jieun’s first birthday party. Jongdae has been unusually quiet the whole day.</p><p> </p><p>“What, a birthday party?” Junmyeon jokes, earning a weak punch on his arm.</p><p> </p><p>The answer comes a little late. Junmyeon wonders what makes him take that much time to just admit it. “To build a home with you? For us, I don’t know, to be officially a family?” Jongdae muses, hesitating with words.</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon hums as he turns to the ceiling, looking back at how far they have come. Mostly to avert his eyes from the little scar at Jongdae’s right cheek. It has been a sign of why this might be a bad idea, whatever Jongdae is suggesting.</p><p> </p><p>It has been eight years since he first met Jongdae and he just loves Jongdae. Jongdae is kind at heart and generous with the love he offers. Junmyeon just happened to be the luckiest person to be able to wake up to him every day. But he doesn’t know if he deserves that. </p><p> </p><p>They have many reasons why they shouldn’t be together. They had fought a lot and been on not talking terms for a year. Junmyeon had even physically hurt him once, which he regrets every day. But in the end, they are like magnets, opposites attracting. He holds onto that one reason; they end up coming back to each other. </p><p> </p><p>Despite those occasional fights and useless pride, they are still together. Maybe it’s time to take the next big leap.</p><p> </p><p>He laces their hands and Jongdae sleepily blinks at him. “Should we call each other husbands?” If Jongdae has asked that aloud, then he must have thought about it a lot, thought about them a lot. It’s his time to put trust on him.</p><p> </p><p>A lazy smile spreads in his lover’s face as he sighs contentedly. “It’d be nice if we do.”</p><p> </p><p>“So that you and Junhee can debate on whose husband causes more trouble.”</p><p> </p><p>Jongdae snorts but he knows they would totally do that. Gossiping was their bonding material after all. “Just tell me when we are buying the rings?”</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon raises their intertwined hands and places a kiss on Jongdae’s hand. His hand would look pretty with a ring on. “That depends on when we are holding the wedding? When do you want the wedding to be?”</p><p> </p><p>Jongdae’s eyes light up at the mention of a wedding. “A summer wedding would be beautiful, don’t you think?”</p><p> </p><p>“Wedding with you would be beautiful itself, no matter what season it is.”</p><p> </p><p>Jongdae flicks his forehead calling him cheesy and he laughs into the crook of Junmyeon’s neck. Junmyeon falls asleep to that sound.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:26</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>All he sees is red. They are fighting again. It’s very vague why they are arguing but Junmyeon ends up saying all the wrong things he doesn’t mean.</p><p> </p><p>At some point, Junmyeon loses himself and the next moment, he sees a cut across Jongdae’s right cheek and a broken vase on the floor, a mixture of hurt and shock evident in Jongdae’s eyes. He had hurled that vase toward the wall behind Jongdae and a piece flew back hurting his boyfriend.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you like this?” Jongdae whispers, sounding scared. As if Junmyeon isn’t someone he knows.</p><p> </p><p>The red vanishes and all that is left is guilt and confusion. He couldn’t bring himself to utter a word to explain his action.</p><p> </p><p>Without a word, he watches a tired Jongdae leave their house. He stands at the same place for what seemed like hours until Sehun finds him there.</p><p> </p><p>“I am disappointed,” Sehun says as he cleans the mess Junmyeon made. “What if Jongdae hyung got hurt? Would you forgive yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon doesn’t answer him. He’s stuck at the moment he saw fear in Jongdae’s eyes. It reminded him of the way his mother used to look at his father. It disgusted him.</p><p> </p><p>“Sehun,” he calls after the sudden thought scares him, “I hurt him.” He says it like he just figured it out. He didn’t only hurt him physically. But he broke the trust he built all this time. It isn’t going to be easy this time. He can’t just go apologise and bring Jongdae back home. It shouldn't be that easy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s break up,” he says when Sehun puts the phone on speaker ignoring Sehun’s <em> what the fuck, hyung. </em></p><p> </p><p>He thinks that’s the best for them. Junmyeon has to work on his reckless self while Jongdae deserves someone better. When Jongdae stays silent for a minute, he knows he’s thinking about it too.</p><p> </p><p>“At least we won’t hurt each other this way.” That’s the last he speaks to him. That’s what he thinks is the end of them.</p><p> </p><p>(But they are like the opposite ends of two magnets, they always end up getting stuck with each other. Almost a year later, Jongdae says he wants to give them a second chance and Junmyeon grasps his hand. If Jongdae trusts them enough to try again, then Junmyeon wants to trust too, to see if they can make it.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:27</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>The dream starts to pass by in flashes. </p><p> </p><p>The day he first holds Junhee’s daughter, Jieun, her tiny pink fingers holding onto his bigger ones and her shiny eyes blinking innocently. He cries a little, Jongdae peeking from behind and telling how her eyes look more like Junmyeon’s. Junmyeon and Junhee do share the same, pretty eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Sehun’s graduation day where he performs a duet with Jongin—whom Sehun used to talk about a lot to the point Junmyeon suspected he liked him (which turned out to be true). He notices the way Sehun is the first one to shy away from the eye contact he makes with Jongin at the end of the performance. </p><p> </p><p>The day when he has to choose whom he wants to be with. He chooses his mother because he had always thought his father never liked him.</p><p> </p><p>The day he cooks for the first time while his mother and sister nag for every single thing he does.</p><p> </p><p>The day he first sees this boy who has pretty lips that curl around the corners. He is Jongin’s friend’s friend who studies medicine. Later that day he decides that he should get his number for which Jongdae politely refuses.</p><p>(A few months later, Jongdae calls him telling him he got his number from Jongin.)</p><p> </p><p>The day his mother chooses to forgive her ex-husband when the news of his demise reaches them. Junmyeon decides to forgive him too for his own reasons.</p><p> </p><p>The day he sees Sehun calling Jongin his love; Jongin looking at him as though he hung the moon for him in his sky.</p><p> </p><p>The day when he drives his car to pick up Jongdae from his morning shift while on a call with him, both discussing what to buy for Jieun’s fifth birthday, taking a wrong turn at the wrong timing. Everything ending with a deafening crash and a light that almost blinds him.</p><p> </p><p>That is where his dream ends.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>09:28</b> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He opens his eyes. He sees Jongdae in the same position, eyes never leaving his face. At some point, he starts crying, not even acknowledging it. Sehun wraps himself around him and cries his heart out while calling “hyung.” Jongdae reaches for his head and pats him, a futile attempt to comfort.</p><p> </p><p>Junmyeon looks at them; it aches to think that he is leaving them alone, leaving his love alone to wake up to his side of the bed being colder, he is also glad that his life has been nice and to think he has met all these people, he wouldn’t change a thing.</p><p> </p><p>He smiles at them. For one last time before the eternal blackness engulfs him. He embraces death taking one last look at his life, at Jongdae.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh, what a beautiful dream it is. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>To be able to look back upon one's life in satisfaction, is to live twice</em> - Khalil Ghibran.</p><p> </p>
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